


no you've no use to know you anymore

by thunder_rolled_a_six



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spring in Hieron Spoilers, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 13:20:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20390359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunder_rolled_a_six/pseuds/thunder_rolled_a_six
Summary: Blue J tries very hard to be strong.





	no you've no use to know you anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Saintseneca's We're All Just Beads On The Same String
> 
> As far as falls from grace are placed  
I guess you're graciously effaced

The party, another attempt by Throndir and the rest to knit together those who have stayed through the end and the beginning of the world, is winding down and lanterns are replacing the light of many suns. Blue J leans against their father, feeling the rumble of his laugh through his chest and in the arm draped across their shoulders. He smells of sweat and dirt and booze and the fragrant soap he has used since Blue J was small. Blue J closes their eyes, taking it in. Throndir starts laughing somewhere nearby and Blue J lets out a huff too, though they hadn't heard whatever joke or outlandish statement their father had made. Red Jack squeeze at their shoulder. 

"Was that a yawn, little Blue? You always did fall asleep early at parties, got too excited for them and wore yourself out!" He booms his thunderclap laugh and Blue J smiles, shakes their head. 

"Nah, I'm good dad. Besides, I've seen you nap at parties plenty of times!"

"Makes them last longer, haha!" Blue J chuckles at his grin. "If you're tired, I won't keep you."

Blue J carefully thinks around the stomach drop feeling they’ve had at leaving Red Jack's side for the last week and just says "I'm fine to stay for awhile longer."

They continue to let the conversation drift around them, tucked up as they are, feeling small and safe in a world that recently has felt like it ended again, on a scale personal and terrible. Red Jack is here. Red Jack is alright. They can lay down their worry for a few hours, surely. 

When they open their eyes again, blearily not knowing if they might have fallen asleep after all, they see Ben across the courtyard readying to leave with Hadrian and Rosana. Blue J taps their fathers arm. "I'm gonna go say goodnight to Benjamin, be right back."

"You can stay with him tonight if you'd like, you don't have to keep coming back home."

“No, I'll be back."

Blue J weaves through the crowd, smiling at other revelers and feeling still dreamy, reaching out their hand as they get close to their partner so he can grab hold. An anchor, warm and familiar.

"Hey."

"Hi."

Benjamin grins, wide and goofy like Blue J's told them a good joke, like they're the wittiest person he's ever met. It makes them want to be, sends their stomach in the opposite direction from that dreadful drop. "You going home?"

"I was gonna head to our place. You coming?"

Blue J frowns in guilt. They had moved together so recently. For a long time it had seemed an unnecessary use of resources when the housing situation was pressed thin, but with the university emptier than they'd ever seen it they had chosen a small place with a neglected garden in the tiny backyard. Blue J was trying to grow herbs that might help against the pollen there and Benjamin had painted their door a cheerful yellow. Then their father... they had been staying back at home more, and being away from Ben so much felt awful as they started a new part of their lives together. "N-no. Sorry, I-"

"It's alright! I understand." Ben leans in, their foreheads bumping together. "Go stay with your dad."

Blue J looks at him close, rests a hand on his cheek. "I love you, Benjamin."

Ben smiles, eyes crinkling up. "I know you do. I love you too, very much."

Blue J sighs an almost laugh though they feel more serious than funny and leans forward to kiss him. He is warm, and soft, and Blue J could lose themself in this. But, they part. "I'll see you tomorrow," they near whisper.

"I look forward to it," Ben breathes back.

By the time Blue gets back to Red Jack he's standing and stretching with an exaggerated groan. Blue J watches more carefully than they might have the week before, wondering if the dramatic play acting at advancing age hides real aches and pains. "You ready to head home little Blue?"

"Yeah."

The two of them say goodnight to Throndir, his hand now tangled with Ephrim’s and thoughts clearly already on a warm bed and private smiles. 

Blue J and Red Jack walk home.

Their siblings had bundled back in bunches throughout the night, and one or two stir from their pallets on the floor as Blue J and Red Jack make their way through to the kitchen. Red Jack lights the stove there, puts a kettle to boiling, and Blue J sits on a stool at the counter. A familiar action. It is very late at night and Blue J wonders if their father remembers all the other nights like this. Small oni's asleep and Blue J feeling very grown and special, drinking too hot tea and listening to Red Jack tell a story, in what he thought was a whisper but was surely clearly audible all about the house. Blue J wonders if other Red Jacks told their children stories. Red Jack does not tell a story now, just moves quietly through the kitchen, and the lack of sound is cacophonous. 

"Dad." Blue J isn't sure what they were going to say, but the word bursts out of them, tripping off a leaden tongue. Red Jack looks at them and the look on his face turns soft in a way that cracks Blue J's heart further. 

"Little Blue. You have a child face on." 

Blue J blinks, hard, and as they once used to do so soften when nights were very long and very dark, asks "Dad, will you tell me a story?"

Red Jack sighs, smiling still so soft. "Of course." He pours the now hot water into two cups, places one in front of Blue. He then leans very slowly forward until his horns click together with Blue J's. "I remember the first time you did this," Red smiles, his eyes closed. “You were very small, but not as small as you had once been. I was mending a pair of trousers one of your siblings had torn, and you wandered over so slow. You stared in that careful way you have, and then leaned in. I remember the click. They fit right together, my two and your four, and you did it so confidently as if you of course knew it to be true."

Blue J tries very hard to keep their breathing even, the stove fire crackle and outside bug chirp not quite loud enough to drown them out. "That's. You tell stories about heroes, and- thats-"

Red Jack hums. "But you are a hero, little Blue. My little Blue. And I know you, start to finish."

Blue J recoils a little, presses hands over their eyes quick and away again. "Dad-"

"Blue J. You've been very strong. You _ always _ have been. But you can be afraid. I'm here, and I will always remember you, and I will keep you safe." Blue J isn't sure if the words are true, but Red Jack says them with finality. "And you don't have to stay, if that’s what you need. Nothing will happen to me if you aren't by my side at every moment. Besides," he grins a wide and well known grin, "I can shout very loudly, I'm sure you could hear me if I called even from your house. Ha ha!"

Blue J gasps a wet laugh, rubs at their face again. They feel trembly inside, and the kitchen feels too big and too small. "I think..." They frown, tears trying to come harder than ever. "Dad, I think I'm gonna stay with Benjamin tonight." They don't really get the words out without their voice cracking, but Red Jack doesn't mention it. "And tomorrow I'll be happy again and we can- we can be happy. We can be ok." 

Red Jack nods, then walks around the counter and pulls Blue J into a hug like being enveloped in a large and gentle fire. They let themself have one sob before biting back again. "I will see you tomorrow. And we will be happy." The words are muffled to their ears, but Red Jack’s promise is true. 

Blue J can't make themself speak again, just leans up up up to clink their horns together one more time and leaves, sewing the image of Red Jack in the dimly lit kitchen with the too soft smile onto their heart.

The short walk to their new home is blurry, and Blue J is almost surprised when they reach the freshly yellow door. They open it gently, not wanting to wake Benjamin if he’s asleep, but of course he’s sitting on the bed reading by the light of a candle, still in party clothes and only one shoe off. His eyebrows go up at the look on Blue J’s face and he’s off the bed immediately. 

“Blue J- come here, c’mere, are you ok, did something happen?” 

Blue J tucks themself down into Ben’s reaching arms and stops holding back tears. “It’s f-fine, everything’s still the same, I just-” the weeping steals their voice and they hold on tight.

They feel Ben nod. “Yeah. Come on, come to bed.” He leads them over and they lay down together, pulling each other close. Ben rubs soothing circles on their back and whispers gentle words and Blue J lets themself fall apart where they know they can be put back together.

Eventually, a sun rises. Nights are shorter, less predictable these days. Blue J slips into sleep as the world turns murky orange, cracked open heart beating steady.

**Author's Note:**

> But don't you let me down again  
Don't you let me down again  
Don't you let me down so gently


End file.
